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Best of The Rest -
Jokes

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Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Heaven.
Heaven who?
Heaven you the courtesy to open the door & let me in?


As they were on their way back into the church service after their session, a Sunday School teacher asked her little children, “And why is it important to be quiet when we go back into church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people will be sleeping?”

A Sunday School Teacher was going through the Ten Commandments & encouraging them to take seriously the Commandment “Honour thy Father and Mother.” After they were confident the children had a good understanding of this they asked which commandment teachings us how to treat our brothers & sisters. Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shalt not kill!”


A Father picks up his very excited Son from School. The lad has just got a part in the school play so his Dad asks him, “Tell us about the part son?”
“Well Dad I play a man who has been married for twenty years”
His Dad wants to encourage his Son so says, “That’s great, Son. Now remember, if you act your role well now, next time they are sure to let you have a speaking part!”

An English teacher set their class a task to punctuate a sentence made up of the words:
"A Woman Without Her Man Is Nothing"
The men in the class punctuated it like this: "A woman, without her man, is nothing".
The woman in the class punctuated it like this: "A woman: without her, man is nothing".
Punctuation is everything!

A congregation was getting so bored with their ministers sermons that they finally asked him to leave. He pleaded for one last chance so they made sure all were present to judge his next sermon. To their delight they heard the most inspired talk they had heard for years. They all wanted to shake his hand after and reassured him he could stay. One Church Elder added a question about the hand movements before and after the sermon. “What was the 2 finger waving for?”  “Those were the quotation marks.” The minister replied!

A minister told his congregation to prepare for next Sunday’s sermon by reading Mark Chapter 17. The following week he asked if anyone had indeed read Chapter 17 of the Gospel of Mark as he had asked. Several sheepish hands went up. The Minister smiled, pointing out that Mark only had 16 chapters but not to worry as that linked nicely with this week sermon’s topic, “The sin of lying!”

One Sunday, while away on holiday, a Minister decided to visit a local church. He was really impressed by the way the preacher grabbed the congregation’s attention at the start. “Some of the best hours of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife!” The atmosphere was electric. “That woman was my mother.” “Wow,” the Minister thought I must try that at home. So the next week to start his sermon off he began, “Some of the happiest hours of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife!” Then with rapt attention gained his mind went an absolute blank. “But for the life of me, I can’t remember who it was.”

A Preacher was asked to visit a little country church one Sunday. Due to the poor weather only one other person turned up, a local Farmer, who let him in. The Preacher asked if he should call it off but the Farmer said, “I don’t know much about God but I know if only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.” Feeling rather ashamed of himself the Preacher proceeded to give the farmer the full sermon he had prepared.  At the end the Farmer thanked the Preacher but said, “I don’t know much about God but if only one cow turns up at feeding time, I don’t dump the whole load of feed on it!”

A little boy came home from Sunday school bubbling with excitement. “And what did you learn about today?” his father asked him. “Wow! What a story. The teacher told us about Moses leading all the Israelites out of Egypt, with Pharaoh’s army chasing them. At the Red sea, Moses dropped a  Nuclear bomb. Ca-bang! The waters of the Red Sea opened up & the people got across before the waters came back & the Egyptian army was drowned.”  “Was that really what your teacher told you?” asked the surprised father. “No, but you’d never believe it if I told you the story the way she did.” 

One day a church member asked his Minister for advice. “I’ve always tithed faithfully as I grew up but now I’m not sure if I can. As a student working part time I only earned £100 a month so paying £10 a month seemed ok. Now I work full time & have a successful business which gives me £100 an hour.  The problem is I’m not sure I feel comfortable giving the church £1000’s a month.  “Why don’t we pray about it,” said the Minister. “Dear God, please make this man’s income small enough so that he feels comfortable tithing fully again.” 

The Vicar was visiting Sunday school one day & asked the children, “Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?” One young boy quickly shouted back, “It wasn’t me!” The Vicar turned to the Sunday school teacher with a surprised look on his face so the teacher added, “If John says he didn’t do it, I’m sure he didn’t.” Later the Vicar decided to share this tale with the Church Council to demonstrate how much work was needed to be done. After some thought a Deacon spoke up & said,”Don’t be too concerned Vicar. We have more than enough funds to build a new wall.”
 
I love a finished Preacher, I really, really do.
I don’t mean one who’s polished; I just mean one who’s through!

Sign in Church Car Park: “Reserved for the Vicar. You park here you preach!”

Worrying comments to Vicars after a Service:   “I don’t care what the others say, I think your sermons are alright!”  “You always seem to find something to say.” “Did you know there are eighty- seven panes of glass in our windows?”

“Recently I’ve had complaints that my sermons are too intellectual.” A Minister announced one Sunday. “I will therefore be giving a children’s talk as well each week from now on. So can the following adults come & sit on the floor at the front…”

“How do you know what to say each week?” a Vicar’s son asked, as he saw his father preparing for a sermon. “God tells me what to say.” His father replied. The boy pondered this for a while and then asked, “Then why do you keep crossing things out?”

How do you know Abraham was smart? He knew a lot.

Why couldn’t Cain please God with his offering?  He wasn’t Abel.

They have a Dial-A-Prayer for atheists now. The trouble is the phone rings and rings but nobody answers!

Who was the greatest financier of all time? Noah. He floated stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation!

What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?  Flood lights!

An angry boss confronted a Christian employee one day. “What’s this I hear about you going to Church & praying for a raise? I don’t ever want to hear of you going over my head again!”

A youngster in church for the first time watched the ushers passing the offering plate round. As they neared her row she whispered to her father, “Remember Daddy, you don’t have to pay for me. I’m under five.”

A five year old was restless as the sermon dragged on & on. Finally he whispered to his Dad, “If we give him our money now, do you think he’ll let us go?”

When it comes to tithing some Christians stop at nothing!

How many of each animal did Moses take onto the Ark? None it was Noah.

What type of man was Boaz before he was married?  Ruthless.

What kind of car did the disciples drive?  A Honda because they were all of one accord!

SIGNS

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING! . (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)


A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

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