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Poems & Jokes

The Face Up Production staff have been writing poems & Telling Jokes in support of Church events, Conferences & Festivals for many years and built up an impressive amount of material. Instead of lying in a filing cabinet gathering dust we thought it would be better to offer some of the material to general release. In this way you could use it for your local fellowship, school or Christian event. We therefore offer a few samples of our work and a free licence to use them for Kingdom work. If you like what you read and would like to have more material then we can either write material to order, send a full collection or run workshops.



Poems

Jokes

Adam & Eve

It wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, so the Lord said to him. "Adam, I have a plan to make you a very happy. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfil your needs & desires. She will be loving, beautiful, kind, loyal & faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life." Adam was stunned. "That sounds great!" "I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap. It will cost you an arm & a leg." Adam thought about this for a moment and said, "What will I get for just a rib?"

Notices:

  • On Thursday at 5pm the New Mums club meet. Anyone wishing to become a New Mum please see the Pastoral Assistant after the service.
  • The Low Self Esteem Support Group starts up again this Tues at 8pm. The churches back entrance will be opened for all those wishing to attend.
  • The Church Ladies have another cast off clothing sale this Saturday. They will be displaying their wares in the church basement form 1pm.
    Do try to make it for a look, as it's for a worthy cause.
  • During the absence of our minister last week we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon. from Sam Stokes.
    For copies of his wonderful preaching please sign up at the back.

Childish Wisdom

When your Dad asks "Do I look stupid" don't answer him.

Never spit when you are on a roller coaster.

Show a bad school report to your Mum when she is on the phone.

Forget the cake go for the icing!

Remember the two places you're always welcome Gran's house & Church

Bob: My parents have dreadful memories.

Sam: Can't remember anything eh.

Bob: Oh no, that's the problem they do remember everything!

Jokes..

In Sunday School a class was asked what they thought Agape love was. One bright thing answered back, "Kissing with your mouth open?"

Is an Altar-ego the persona a minister puts on when they take a Communion service?

God’s Knock knock joke:“Knock knock! Who’s there? Armageddon. Armageddon who? Armageddon tired of evil; let’s have the last battle!

The preacher spoke far too long today but what did we expect when the subject was on “Babylon”.

The Baptist Denomination can seem a fairly flat church but there is a lot going on under the surface.

Circumcision- the painful cut off point between Jews & Gentiles

Condomnation – what Roman Catholics fall under when they use birth control

Damnation a country near Holland

The Dear Departed – An expensive relatives funereal

Dearly Beloved- A phrase the Father of the Bride could use if it hadn’t already been used by the Vicar

Doctrine is something I believe happens up at the local GP Surgery.

Do you think "Everlasting Arms" is a good name for a pub?

Do you think it's called "Fall" in America because it is Apple Picking Season?

Making a grave error is dying without a friend in Jesus!

Hebrews is either a book in the bible for guiding the spirits of man or a good description of a male beer maker

Holy Ground – the brand of coffee drunk by Angels

Would Social workers say Jesus came from a good home? He was born into a stable environment at least.

Yet More Jokes..

Why can’t skeletons play music in church? – They have no organs.

What did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? – Nothing, they just gave out a little whine.

What spacious car lives in a French Cathedral? – The Hatchback of Notre Dame.

Why is Sunday stronger than Monday? – Because Monday is a week day.

Which Saint always forgets his underwear? – St Nicholas.

How many people can you fit into the world’s largest church when it’s empty? –One, after that it’s no longer empty.

What’s the moral of the story about Jonah & the Whale? – You can’t keep a good man down.

What do Christian lions say before they start hunting? – Let us prey.

What animals were last off the ark? – The Elephants because they took so long to pack their trunks.

What did Noah do to pass the time on the Ark? – Fish but he didn’t catch much as he only had two worms.

How do we know that Moses was into model railways? Because when he came down from the mountain we are told that his train filled the temple

How do we know that Moses wore a wig? Because sometimes he was seen with 'air-on and other times he was seen without 'air-on!!

Who was the largest lady in the Bible? The woman of some area!!

The Top 10 Christian Chat Up Lines

  1. I know I don’t have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.
  2. You know Jesus? Hey, so do I!
  3. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
  4. The good book says, “Give drink to the thirsty & food to the hungry” so how about dinner & a bottle or wine?
  5. Good Christians don’t shake hands, good Christians hug!
  6. You look cold. Remember Ecclesiastes 4:11 “If two lie together they will keep warm.”
  7. You don’t have an accountability partner? Me neither!
  8. Nice Bracelet. WWJD - “Who would Jesus Date?”
  9. (Ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
  10.  The good book says “Love your neighbour” and I live next door!

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